I battled rejection basically my entire life. I could never fully tell you why though. I just knew that no matter where I turned friends left me. I felt like I was cursed. Or worse, a terrible friend. I blamed myself and looked at every new friend as a chance to redeem myself from the cycle of losing people. I was tired of the same-old deal and wanted something different for once, but it never came. Time after time I became disillusioned in friendships and watched yet another one walk away.
But tonight I realized it was never really about being accepted or rejected by people. I literally felt rejected by God and there was only one reason for that – I felt I had failed Him and I have spent my life trying to make it up.
Tonight I sat alone in my room – awake because of the coffee I drank at 9 pm. During my hang out time with Jesus earlier He told me He was proud of me and I felt a small smile creep over my mouth as the words echoed in my heart and mind. Then when I found myself alone again in a moment that only a short time ago would have resulted in the most painful memories that made me feel rejected I heard a whisper that said, “I have always accepted you. You have never been rejected.” The tears that fell were like a healing balm rushing over the remaining heartache of people leaving my life over and over. Within the healing tears were revelations of my heart and motives.
See I have spent my life feeling like a failure before God because I could not save the people around me. With each friend I had watched walk away I could easily point out the thing (or things) I had tried so hard to protect them from. Only I tried to do it in my own strength and it pushed them away instead of pointing them to the everlasting love of their Father. I have had to watch them get their hearts broken by boys I tried to warn them about. I have seen them sink further into depression and addiction because I could not be enough to keep them from it. I have felt their heartache. And I carried burdens I was never intended to carry. I thought if I could just save one then God would be proud of me. It was like I was searching for a personal trophy to present to Him. He never asked for one.
Instead He sees me as His trophy. His prize for having defeated death was giving me life. Not just me, but all those I would seek to save myself. I have never been rejected. I have only been immature in my personality that rightly seeks to protect those it loves. This in and of itself is not wrong, in fact it is biblical. Only I cannot be savior. Savior came and died on a cross – something I will never be strong enough to do. I can never save them, only point them to Christ. In doing so, I protect them because I love them. I have always been accepted. I have never been rejected. I am not a failure – just human.
“It [Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” 1 Corinthians 13:7.
My Journey 