Not Anxious

I remember when I had an OK handle on my finances.  I had a budget, saved some, spent some, gave some, etc.  My checks were small to say the least, but I did what I could with what I had.  Then God called me away to this wonderful unaccredited school where financial aid was not available.  Suddenly my small pay checks were nothing for the enormous bill breathing down my neck.  Somehow, someway, and for some reason God has always provided for me to be there.  Except last summer when I refused to believe He would.  When the next semester came around my faith was restored and I determined I was going back, even though I still did not have the money to pay off the semester before much less pay for registration, He made sure I got there again.  Talk about a God of redemption!

Today I am in the middle of “faith packing.”  I still owe for last semester, but I must be back at school for the summer camp internship.  God has been almost adamant about confirming how much He wants me there despite a lack of full breakthrough in finances again.  Sending letters and posting on Facebook has not worked and Friday I finally had a breakthrough idea, but time is  too short to make it happen now – so I think I will use that idea in August for my 5th semester.  This time it is simply about waiting – again. 

Yesterday I reached a point of uncertainty.  Move in day is Saturday and I still need a lot of money.  As I prayed about it God clearly spoke to me and said that He would make a way.  With that encouragement burning in my heart I began to worship and simply praise Him because I needed my vision adjusted – that is what worship is for me, a chance to refocus on Him instead of my problems.  My mom walked upstairs in the middle of this and someone was on the phone saying they would help out as much as they could on Thursday.  Not sure what that means…could be all, or only some of what I need to move it.  I will find out! 

As I thought about this amazing turn of events, I realized something incredible about my God, He never worries.  I was praying in desperation almost expecting God to be as worried about my situation as me.  I  think I thought I could surprise Him in something I said or pointed out about what is going on.  Reality is, God knows and has seen and heard everything from me.  He is not worried about it even a tiny bit because He knows how He is going to get me there.  That’s why when I cried out in a desperate plea for Him to do something He simply told me He would make a way – then revealed a little piece of that plan.

In Philippians we are instructed to not be anxious about anything.  Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow or the food we will eat or the clothes we will wear.  It makes sense that He could tell us this if He does not worry.  Our lives are meant to be transformed to reflect Him.  If we serve a God that does not worry, we should begin to be so full of His peace and joy that we do not worry either.  He is not anxious and He teaches us to not be anxious – usually by allowing us to find Him in the storm that would cause us to worry.  Without worry we can be stress free.  Especially since the greatest cause of stress is unmet expectations.  We can rest easy in His peace.  I am amazed at the wonder of my God.  So excited that He is not worried about it, so I do not have to be at all.  He has a plan.  He will make a way.  I have a purpose at this camp.  God wants to use the things He has placed inside of me to reach someone.  He will get me there!

Filling the Void

I have been out of school for 2 weeks now.  Honestly, it feels like a lot longer than that.  It could be because of the two books I finished last week and the fact I am in the middle of reading two more, whatever the reason the point is I can hardly believe it has only been two weeks!  It has been a great two weeks though.  Not without its share of struggles for sure, but they have all been worth the time I have spent in prayer and seeking God for vision and instruction.

I call being with my parents home away from home because honestly it feels more like a home when I am with my roommates and I am the one who has to make sure my stuff is taken care of, dishes washed, clothes put away, etc…rather than having a parent remind me what needs to be done.  Living on my own is like a good challenge, and I am always up for one of those!  Do not get me wrong, I love my mom and she has been a wonderful example to me as I grew up and more so as I evaluate how I want my life to look when they are not as huge a part of it.

The hardest part about these two weeks, and the one I have left, is allowing God to show me the areas where I turn Him away instead of welcome Him in.  I grew up feeling very isolated from the world around me.  Friendships were heartbreaking and it seemed I just could not figure out how to keep friends for longer than a short period of time.  Before I left for college God began to work out those areas and bring healing.  When I arrived I quickly made friends and began enjoying my first year.  As time went on though, the challenges arose again and by the summer I was at odds with nearly all my friendships.  God did more work when I was at home drowning in my sorrows and when I went back for 3rd semester He finally broke through and the road to recovery began!  Now here I am enjoying my small break before heading off to be an intern at a summer camp.  This summer I am not nursing wounds of friendships lost, instead I am learning to allow God to be the One who fills my life and not looking to others to do it for Him.

I have thought often about 1 Peter 5:7 which says, “Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you.”  Since that is how it I managed to memorize it that could be two or three versions put together for all I know, but the basic truth is there!  I always thought of this verse and remembered the things that bothered me, worried me, or scared me.  I never remembered to give God the things that meant a lot to me.  I never gave up the things that I used to fill the void in my heart.  The void left by years of feeling rejected and unloved.  The void left from hearing all the criticisms and problems I had.  The void I was trying to fill with the friends I could never keep.  Now here I am after two years of college my heart overflowing with love from friends I am so blessed to know, and my heart cries out to not repeat the last fifteen years or so of mistakes that cost me dearly.  What have I found?  1 Peter 5:7 applies to every part of my life.  The things I love, the things I fear, the things I worry about must all be given to the hands of God.  God is the one who fills our hearts.  He heals our brokeness and calms the fears.  Anything we use to fill voids in our lives is an area we have not welcomed Him.  I do not know what the future holds for me and my friends.  It is a scary thing to walk down a road eyes wide open to the fact that the unthinkable could happen at any time.  But during this break God has brought me to a place of allowing Him to fill the void left by being unloved and rejected.  As I allow Him into an area of hurt and heartbreak there is peace and security even though the outcome is uncertain.  I have learned how important it is to cast ALL my cares on Him and being willing to feel the emptiness of not using people to fill the void and ultimately to feel the acceptance of Christ and His unfailing love.

Sometimes the emptiness seems overwhelming.  There are moments when I miss people so much I want to run back just to be embraced by one of them again.  It is a tough thing to feel the pain you have run away from for years, but I promise it is worth it.  We are not guaranteed that circumstances will change, but we are promised that the peace of God will guard our hearts and our minds.  I may lose some or all of my friends again, but I know that if I do God will never leave me or forsake me…really and truly.

2 Years Already?

I still remember the first time I looked up the website for the Bible school I am attending.  Watching the slightly cheesy video made me feel as if they had heard every prayer I had prayed since my senior year of high school.  Here I was three weeks into traveling down an unknown path and already hating every moment of it.  Seeing the video made me feel like there was hope that I could go where my heart was longing to go more than anything.

That was in September 2009.  I knew from that moment I would be here, I had to be here.  After months of prayer I filled out all my application papers and set up a time to visit campus.  I left the school feeling as if I had found a new home, and I had only been there three days!  August 11, 2010 I moved into apartment 203 all alone but blessed to know at least one person.  I spent a lot of time with her because there was no one else.  My roommates finally came home three days later, I was beginning to wonder if they existed!  My journey began.  A journey full of tears, revelation, love, forgiveness, God, myself, friends, memories, joys, regrets, and always faith.

Graduation is Friday.  I still have a year, but two have already passed.  I have watched God do incredible things, like provide in ways I would never have imagined possible.  I have felt greater heartbreak in my time here than ever before.  I have loved deeper than I thought I could.  There are regrets, people I never had the courage to talk to and I wish I had.  People I waited longer than I should have to get to know.  Then there are the people who have changed my life and the way I view it.  What a journey!

I have done things I never imagined myself doing.  For instance, becoming an RA – where did that come from?!  It has been the best decision I ever made!  It has challenged me, taken me FAR out of my comfort zone, made me stronger, blessed me abundantly, and forced me to realize how much God has placed inside of me.  I never thought I would pray for people and see their lives change instantly.  I never thought I could get a word of knowledge that was exactly for a specific person and be able to speak the word of the Lord to them.  I never imagined I could preach a whole sermon as authoritatively as I did this semester.  All in just two years.

Now it is time to say goodbye to some.  My heart hurts.  I hate goodbyes.  I am learning to be okay with letting people go after the destiny God has placed in their heart, but it still hurts.  I wish I could hold on to them forever, but why would I want to place myself between them and God.  I would rather be struck dead than keep anyone from the greatness God has laid out for them.  My mind will just have to line up and be alright!  How exciting to send people off to go after God in a whole new way – outside of a classroom setting.  Some may continue their education, but not everyone will.  Many will start to travel the world and find out what all God has placed inside of them.  How awesome!!  I am so blessed to be surrounded by world changers!

I look forward to staying in touch with as many of those I know graduating as will let me.  I love stories, and I want to hear all of them!  I am glad I have another year, that day in my room watching the cheesy video feels like it was yesterday, not nearly three years ago!

When Evil Thinks It Has Won

This week was a very difficult week as God took me through some very dark areas of my heart that needed to be healed.  It felt like I was crying more than anything else it was so hard.  However, I realized something very important this week something people have tried to tell me before but I never fully grasped what they meant. 

See this week I finally learned to understand that what I think and believe directly affects how I speak and act.  There was a moment when I was totally convinced God was not around and never wanted to be.  I was so sure that to be going through what I was dealing with was too far from where God wanted me.  I soon realized I was very wrong.

As God brought me back to the reality of His promise to never leave me or forsake me, my attitude and reaction to the situation changed dramatically.  I went from feeling unloved and depressed to full of joy and peace again.  I saw a transformation that once took over a year to happen, take place again in less than a week and it happened only because I changed my mind.  I decided to believe that no matter what I was feeling, God was with me.  I made the choice and found it to still be true. 

Evil may try to convince you that it has won.  Those lies may creep in and tell you God was never with you and never will be.  It is usually within those times everyone hops on the bandwagon of Romans 12:2 to be transformed by the renewing of our mind.  So we quote Scripture over and over hoping it will make the feelings go away.  I think we are missing it.  While yes Scripture is our best defense and offense against the enemy, what good is it if we don’t believe it deep inside of us?  Where is the perseverance, character, and hope mentioned in Romans 5 if we never learn to stand based on the fact that Christ has already won?  Why do we insist that we should never feel bad things? And that if we do there is something so wrong with us we must simply replace it with better feelings?  I usually respond that way, simply quoting Scripture and trying to make my thoughts better, but my heart was convinced of something else.  I hit a moment when the Bible only frustrated me, and that was awful!  As soon as my heart became convinced God was always there and His love was waiting for me to run to, my thoughts, actions, and feelings began to line up with that truth. 

Please hear me, I am not saying we should never quote Scripture.  I have gotten through many a battle with the wonderful Word of God.  I am simply saying it does us no good if we do not believe it.  I know a man who read the Bible everyday.  In fact he even reads it out loud.  Every morning around the same time.  He reads it with his loud, deep voice as if he could be speaking to a large crowd.  But with that same voice he has yelled at every member of his family.  He is the most bitter and unloving person I have ever met.  He is my grandfather.  How is that possible?

It is possible for the Word to stop becoming living revelation to your heart.  It can stop being a rhema, or spoken, Word from the heart of the Father and simply become a religious duty.  For him it is just a religious must.  The Word no longer burns or convicts his heart because he is not convinced of something deep inside of his heart.  There are broken and shattered pieces of his heart that he has not allowed God to heal.  He may even be convinced in his heart that God no longer cares or is far away.  I do not know what is causing this dynamic, but it has hurt us and him more than he knows.

We must be careful to be convinced of the truth God reveals in His Word.  If we are not convinced of Him, even having Scripture memorized will not do us any good.  It will only make us Christians who hurt everyone because we stopped believing in Jesus.  So when evil thinks it has won, let the truth of God become real to your heart again and watch your victorious King win the battle for you.  And while you are at it, get full of the Word.  Faith and the Word or a force that can never be stopped!

Eradicate My Sin?

“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

I used to hate that verse!  I hated it so much I used it as ammo against God!  Can you imagine using God’s own Word against Him to try and prove Him wrong?  I am so glad His grace extends far enough to cover my mistakes.  Really though, I hated that verse because there was no way it could be true.  I have loved God since I was 5.  I did not fully understand living my life fully for Him until I was 12, but until that point God had done some pretty cool things that I learned in Sunday school so I liked Him.  As I got older and life continued to happen I would hear verses like that and almost get angry, no not almost, I was angry.  So few of my heart’s desires had ever been met.  I wanted a best friend – but all my friendships ended.  I wanted to be loved – all I ever felt was unloved and rejected.  I wanted to be able to afford things I needed, forget wants – but money was extremely tight and kept getting tighter.  He would meet the desires of my heart?  Yeah, right!  I used it against Him so many times!  In my prayers I would cry out that I had been serving Him for many years and had never seen my desires met.  I blamed God for holding out on me. 

Then came verses like Matthew 6:33, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.”  And again I could not see anything being added to my life that I wanted and I used it against Him.  I accused God of being unfaithful which the Bible declares He never will be.  So during the Christmas break, which still has a couple days!!, I began to think about my accusations against God.  It was such a terrible thing for me to do and I was amazed that God would even look beyond that and still pay for school, give me a car, bless me with incredible friends, and keep me alive!

As I realized what I had actually been doing I began to even stop praying because I wanted to have a pure heart before God and needed to repent of being arrogant and prideful.  Then I began to read Crazy Love which I got for Christmas.  In one chapter Francis Chan talks about our arrogance and pride.  Then he takes us to Proverbs 8:13.  It says, “All who love the Lord hate evil.  I hate arrogance, pride, perverse speech, and evil behavior.”  It was in that verse that I found my answer.

So I began to only seek God, and found the answer to my problems – myself.  I was not delighting in God or seeking after Him.  I was following rules and seeking the rewards of “doing the right thing.”  I wanted to be able to follow a formula and get everything I wanted.  God wanted me to unashamedly come into His presence and be filled with who He is.  As I realized it more my prayers began to change.  Now I no longer ask Him to change and fit into a formula, instead I want my sin gone!  I want it eradicated from my life so that I can be with Him all the time!  I want to be in constant relationship with Him, almost as a married person who wakes up in the morning and sees their spouse next to them everyday!  I want my sin that separates me from Him to be gone.  Because really it is my sin that keeps Him from giving my the desires of my heart.  It is my sin that holds Him back from loving me, not because He doesn’t but because I am unable to accept it.  It is my sin that keeps Him from being able to provide for me.  My pride.  My arrogance. 

“All of you serve each other in humility, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”  1 Peter 5:5.  God can’t to me when my sin in the way.  If my desire really is to be close to Him, then I need to remain humble before Him all the time!

Innocence

Today I had my first open vision.  I had heard of them before, but never experienced it until today.  One minute I was worshipping during chapel, the next I was talking to Jesus, and when I came out of it they were singing about peace and I had no idea how we got there.  It was so real and I have to share it because it is a truth that everyone needs to hear.

First off I have to share the revelation that most of us do not really believe in God’s power and will to forgive us.  So many times people, myself included, say that they can accept God’s forgiveness but they will never be able to forgive themselves.  If we truly understood and accepted God’s forgiveness we would be able to do no less than forgive ourselves.

The dialogue you see will not be typed out correctly as in a story, but just go with it.

Jesus came to me in His kingly robes with a deep love in His eyes, but all I felt was fear.  He looked right into my eyes and said, “You do not fear me.  You have been under my discipline, but you have not learned to fear me.”  “I’m sorry,” I replied regretfully, “teach me to have the fear of the Lord.  Whatever discipline needs to occur, whatever needs to be taken from me, do it do I can learn.”  With evident sadness he said, “Sweetheart, no discipline will teach you because you have resisted me.”  I found this very strange and said, “How?  I know I have surrendered everything.”  He replied, “You have resisted my mercy.  You have held to a punishment mentality.  You fear what I will do to you.  You believe in your heart that hardship is my punishment against you.  But I took your punishment upon myself.”  In a moment my resistance was evident as I cried out, “No, Jesus, you can’t!  I deserve it!”  “Yes, but I want to give you more than you deserve!” He replied gently.  Then I saw Him, my Jesus, being beaten, blood covering His entire body.  He looked at me through bloody eyes and said, “The sin that defiled you, is placed on me” and with that He was whipped again.  Over and Over every sin I committed brought another lashing.  I cried out in anguish begging Him to stop, still resisting the love that I saw before me.  Suddenly, Jesus was standing before God the Father and He was being judged.  The Father cried out in rage and declared Him guilty.  He condemned Jesus to separation by hell and everything turned black.  Then Jesus turned to me and looked beyond my tears and said, “I was condemned so you could be found innocent and without flaw.”  Still resistant I cried out in anguish, “But I am not worthy to be found innocent.”  Without being shaken by my resistance He gazed into my eyes with deep longing for me to receive and said, “I have called you worthy.”

After that I was back in chapel and listened to them singing about peace, a little confused about why they were singing about it instead of the blood of Jesus or something.  I am amazed by God’s love for me now.  I see how that punishment mentality has been such a part of my life, but I also see how Christ actually did take my punishment.  It is easy to focus on the fact that we are not worthy of His love, but we must stop!  It has crippled us and stopped God from being able to show us the depth of His love.  We must focus on the fact that He has called us worthy and has declared us innocent because His Son was found guilty before defeating death.

One friend put it that His love is so great we should only be able to look at ourselves through His eyes.  When we see ourselves through the love He has for us, then, and only then, are we able to see others through His love. 

I have to simply accept His mercy.  You have to simply accept His mercy.  We all do.  No more resistance.  In Christ we are innocent.

Hunger

“Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”   Deuteronomy 8:3

The other day I was fasting, so I was very hungry!  At one point I was so hungry it was uncomfortable!  As I sat talking to Jesus trying to keep my focus away from the hunger of my body I had this amazing revelation.

See when you go without food your body begins to shut down.  You can become weak, weary, and even ineffective to everyone around you.  It is encouraged that any time you fast you allow your body plenty of time to rest because it needs to save all the energy it can.

Well “we do not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”  When we are not actively pursuing the presence and word of God, our spirit becomes weary, weak, and ineffective.  We cannot live without God’s word.  Literally.  God spoke and everything came to be, without God’s word we would not even exist.

There is power in God’s word.  When you open up your Bible you are not just reading another nice history book.  You are reading the written Word of God! 

“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.”  2 Timothy 3:16

The Word of God is powerful and effective, it talks about that in Hebrews.  When our prayers are laced with the Word of God we know we are praying God’s will and can be confident that He hears us and will answer.  God is not a man that can lie, so when He speaks it is done.  If you need God to provide, He promised that in His Word so be confident He will.  If you need comfort, He promises that.  If you need peace, He promises that if you give your worries to Him you will have it.

God has spoken in His Word, but He also speaks to us.  When we pray we have to take time to listen.  I often jet out because of a root of distrust in God to hear me and respond.  I have had to come to a place of listening for His Word.  In Him is guidance and direction.  In Him is peace and the love I desire.  In Him I find answers.  Through His Word.

Don’t run from His Word and become weak and ineffective.  Seek after Him and strengthen your faith.  Be a giant the enemy runs from and is unable to take down.